Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
