You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize