i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
