i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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