They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
