You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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