can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize