She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
