I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize