I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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