Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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