So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
