i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
