Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
