You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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