Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
wow bdsm is so cute
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
