He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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