she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
