Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
