i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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