dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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