he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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