I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
