Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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