dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
