apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
