She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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