Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize