Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
