am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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