so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
