he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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