Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
