His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize