dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
