someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
