How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
