I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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