I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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