Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
