If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
