He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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