I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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