Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
