Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
