So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
thus making me awesome and them whores
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
