so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
