Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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