I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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