I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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