I am midnight drunk by noon
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
