i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
