oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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