Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize