1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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